Subterranean Grief

Many people are leaving jobs these days, at least here in Michigan.

Sometimes it’s a difficult and sad decision, one’s own or handed down from a seemingly uncaring upper management due to budget concerns. Sometimes, however, it is a great relief, freeing one from a frustrating and unrewarding situation.

Regardless of whose choice it is to leave, there are often a wide range of emotions. If you ask your colleagues and friends, most of these emotions are recognizable and shared. However, there is one emotion that is almost always present but routinely dismissed…that of grief.

Grief is a common feeling upon leaving a job. Even when it is your choice to leave, there is the grief related to loss of expectations. Beginning a new job has excitement and anticipation and hope along for the ride. Over time, those feelings can dim as reality sets in, but as long as you’re still in the position, you can hope for change and growth.

Leaving ends that hope, and as with any ending, grief steps in. But grieving is something most people in our culture associate only with death, so you can feel the impact but miss the signs.

Grief over leaving a job has all the same feelings as any other grief: denial, anger, sadness, anxiety, regret, relief and depression.

Our supportive family and friends may want to hear only some of these–if the job created stress for you and for them, your feelings of sadness and regret may be hard for them to fathom. If it was (seemingly) a great job, your feelings of relief may leave your support people confused.

All of the feelings associated with the loss of a job are normal and to be expected. So…what do you do about them?

• First, acknowledge the feelings, and give yourself time to feel and express them. Talk, write, meditate…whatever is your style of incorporating new feelings.

• Next, encapsulate the experience. Create your story of the job and it’s ending, add it to your narrative, and then make it a ‘chapter’ of your life history.

• After that, put it away, in thought and physically. Pack away the mementos for now. Put them in a place you can re-visit later if you choose, but remove them from your current life.

• Finally, envision your future. With loss comes opportunity…the next exciting chapter of your story lies ahead, and the possibilities are endless! Remember, as the past job came into your life, so will a new one, and you will continue to grow and change.

Do whatever you need to stay calm…time with friends, time alone, or keep busy getting all those tasks done that your job made hard to complete. This ‘open’ time between jobs can be creative and productive and help clarify your view as to what you want to do next.

Last but not least…ask for help if you need it! Your friends and other ’support team’ members are standing by ready to assist.

Good luck!

June 17th, 2008 - Posted in Uncategorized | | 1 Comments

Integrity

Integrity–what is it, and what do you do when yours has been questioned? This issue affects most of us at one time or another in our lives. Recently, it affected me.

Defined

According to the Random House dictionary, integrity is “adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty”. Given that the converse is “dishonesty”, no wonder it’s so worrisome when others decide for some reason that we are lacking in integrity.

Now You Have It, Now You Don’t

While it takes a long time to build integrity in the eyes of others, experience demonstrates that it takes just seconds to lose it. How odd, but how very human. It seems that too often, we’re ready to assume the worst about a person but have to be convinced of the best.

Sad, Distressing, and Frustrating

It is always sad, distressing, and even frightening to lose integrity in the eyes of others. Especially since once lost, it can be hard or even impossible to regain their trust. What makes it worse is there isn’t a good way to fight it. If you protest too much, the accusers hear it as confirmation that they were right. If you don’t protest enough, they hear it as acceptance of their judgment of you.

Who Accuses?

Many people who accuse others of lying or cheating–or who plant seeds of doubt about you to others–are doing so because they reason from themselves. Knowing that they would take advantage of others, or lie to get something they want, or cheat because they can, they assume that others do the same. One sees what one expects to see. Liars see liars; cheaters see cheaters. When your integrity is questioned, one of the first things to ask is–what would the accuser be doing in your situation?

Regaining Integrity

It is not always possible to regain integrity in a particular setting, although it is usually worth trying. If your accusers are working from their own hidden agendas, you may be better off to move in another direction.

Defend yourself best you can under the circumstances, be yourself, and work hard to move forward. But if you cannot, move on. Those who spend time questioning the morality of others often do so to deflect attention from their own deficiencies. At the end of the day, they are the losers.

April 4th, 2007 - Posted in Uncategorized | | 0 Comments

Share Yourself

So it’s been a week since Pfizer threw the huge boulder called “Site Closing” into our communities, and the ripples are starting to reach all sides of the pond. One of the first “shores” to react was the community service agencies that rely on Pfizer money and people-power to help fellow citizens. In our county, the numbers are huge–millions of dollars out of the United Way agency alone plus the potential loss of over 2,400 employees who dedicate hours of service.

Money is the New Time

You’ve probably heard the expression “50 is the new 40″, or “60 is the new 50″. It means that with the help of technology and pure numbers–the Baby Boomers are aging–the things we used to be able to do at 40, we now expect to do at 50 (climbing mountains is one example). At 60, people consider new careers, a change from the past when 60 meant looking forward to retirement, travel, and endless rounds of golf.

In many cases, giving money has replaced giving time. Time, time, time–always seemingly in shorter supply than the tasks available to fill it. In a place like Ann Arbor, where there have been many people with pretty good jobs and discretionary income, it has been easier to find money than to find mentors, or motor meal delivery drivers, or PTA members.

We Need to Shift

It’s a bad time to be out of work. It’s a really bad time to be out of money. Winter days (at least in the Midwest) are often dark and cold. The combination of a lack of work, a lack of money, and bad weather lead plenty of people to therapy offices. That’s fine–after all, I’m a therapist–but I think it’s equally important to consider what else you can do if you’re caught in the latest business morass.

Here’s an idea: shift into a new gear. Time on your hands can be time spent helping others. Give a call to find places that need you. Take a break from your worries and anxiety, and spend time with other people. People matter; you matter. The unique person who is you will always be worth more than your checkbook.

Share your time.

Share your heart.

Share yourself.

January 31st, 2007 - Posted in Uncategorized | | 0 Comments

Boundaries

I’ve been thinking about boundaries today since someone crossed mine and I had my usual knee-jerk furious reaction. “How dare they? Can’t they see they’ve gone way over the line here?”

Now that I’m a little cooled off, I’m wondering if the notion of good boundaries, good fences making good neighbors (Robert Frost), ‘yours’ and ‘mine’ versus ‘ours’ is just plain old-fashioned.

Maintaining good boundaries is something with which many of my clients struggle. “What’s my issue?” “What’s his/her issue?” “Where do you draw the line?” and often, “What do you do when someone crosses it?”

So what makes keeping good boundaries so doggone hard? I think I’ve come to one conclusion. Electronics have changed our boundaries significantly.

Consider the world we live in today:

• Cell phones–we can get that call, 24/7, 365 days per year
• Email–communication within seconds, minutes, or hours versus waiting at least a day for the mail carrier to show up
• AIM–in case you don’t have time to wait for an email, try an Instant Message
• Internet–global information at our fingertips–no need for the library with its restricted hours, travel to get there, etc.
• GPS units–no loss of time wandering around a new area in a bemused daze, now you can get to where you need to go right now

For many of my clients, these things represent the world they’ve always known. There are no such “boundaries” as city limits, state lines, and country borders. At the click of a key, we can talk to people anywhere in the world, at any time. No wonder it’s so hard to remember to respect someone else’s emotional boundaries when the physical ones are no longer even visible!

On the other hand–think about what we’ve gained by entering into this kind of global communication. Example: yesterday, here in Michigan, I received website help within minutes from a fellow therapist hundreds of miles away in Texas (thanks, Cynthia McKenna!).

Write and tell me about your global connections!

January 19th, 2007 - Posted in Uncategorized | | 0 Comments

Are you SAD?

Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD, reportedly affects many people every year. And here we are, headed into the prime season, when the days are getting shorter and darker. What should you do if think you might be SAD?

First, learn a bit about SAD to understand if that might be what is happening to you. Characteristics of SAD include:

• regularly occurring depression that happens during fall and winter
• loss of energy
• craving for sugary and/or starchy foods
• disturbed sleep patterns

Light-therapy can help.A full spectrum light replicates the kind of daylight we experience in spring and summer, and can help alleviate symptoms.

Exercise can also help. Try to keep moving during the low light months. This will help with the food cravings, and might improve your mood at the same time.

Be kind to yourself! SAD isn’t a character flaw or weakness. It is a physical disorder that has emotional and physical symptoms. If you find you need additional support, ask for help. You don’t have to suffer silently!

October 11th, 2006 - Posted in Uncategorized | | 0 Comments