“Objects in the mirror may be closer than they appear…”

Anyone who has driven a car manufactured in the past 15 years probably knows where I got the title for this entry.  The famous (and at times infamous) statement on each and every passenger-side rear view mirror includes it…so much so that most of us don’t even really see it anymore.

It occurred to me yesterday that maybe we should all have the same statement inscribed on our minds as we blip along through life repeating past mistakes, i.e. not ‘looking behind us’–or should I say past ‘patterns’ to make it sound more therapeutic?

The fact is, I often forget until I’m in that familiar ‘uh, oh’ spot that I do indeed have plenty of evidence from the past that whatever I’m doing is a bad, bad idea.   No matter how much I dress it up–and given my hours and hours of clinical training, I can dress it up with the best of ‘em.

And how distressing it is to recognize that our house pets are smarter than we are at staying away from past errors.  While they may be operating from instinct, we humans think too much.

Therefore, I’m passing along some tips help you stay out of those repetitive patterns that can cause so much misery:

1. In a new situation, if it feels familiar (that old ‘deja vu’ feeling) ask yourself tough questions, like ‘Have I been here before?’ ‘What happened then?’ ‘What’s going on in my present life that’s led me back to this former place?’
2. Once you recognize you’re back in that spot, leave sooner this time…whether it’s a relationship, a job, or some other situation.  Really, after the first misery, how much more do you need?
3. If your friends and family begin to roll their eyes as you’re describing your latest dilemma…or worse, walk away…there’s a clue here.  Ask them!  It’s often easier for the people around us to see where we’re going astray than to see it from inside, where we are.
4. If you’re on time number 3 or more for this same pattern, consider talking it through with a trusted friend, adviser, counselor, or spiritual leader.  Again, that external, disengaged viewpoint can be really helpful.

February 17th, 2009 - Posted in Health: Emotional, Physical, Mental, Spiritual | | 2 Comments

Why Therapy Still Matters

I’ve been talking with lots of people recently about the serious economic issues we currently face in Michigan.  I’ve heard from many that they are worried about their jobs (or their partner’s job), their mortgages, their debt, or their savings.

It is natural to question whether you ought to seek or be in psychotherapy right now.  Is the expenditure of time and money worth it?  This is a serious question and deserves a serious response.

Therapy helps with many things, but one in particular is learning what is important to you, and how to make decisions that follow and support your values.

Could there be a more critical time to be making decisions based on values?  I think not.

Consider–your company is downsizing, you have a chance to take a buyout and look for another job.  Is it time to re-visit the idea of college?  Graduate school?  Moving to another state?  Selling or buying property?

How are those decisions made if not from one’s values?  For example, going back to school…what is the impact on your partner or children?  Moving to another state might sound like a wonderful solution to you, but what will it do to your family?  Are they deeply involved locally?  If changing locale is great for you, is it equally great for them?

What is your decision-making process?  What kind of a communicator are you?  Are you an extrovert (likely to think through decisions aloud with others) or an introvert (likely to consider possibilities quietly before involving others)?

Plato advised “know thyself”.

So that is why therapy still matters in this most challenging of times.  Therapy helps you know yourself.  Therapy provides a place where you can consider all options with someone who supports you but is not vested in any particular outcome.  Therapy is a safe, confidential, neutral time where you can explore your options before you make decisions.

Investing in you is still a good investment…no matter what the stock market is doing.

December 30th, 2008 - Posted in Health: Emotional, Physical, Mental, Spiritual, Work | | 1 Comments

Recession Depression

I read the phrase ‘recession depression‘ this week…what a great way to sum up what we’re feeling right now.  I’m not sure of the author/originator (if anyone knows, please contact me so I can give appropriate credit) but as a therapist, I feel it’s a warning signal.

Things are not going well for many people.  Worries about lost jobs, foreclosure, health, money…you name it, people are feeling it.

Here are several easy-to-implement ideas to reduce your own anxiety about the economy:

Turn off the television
I know this one is hard for many, but the repetitive news (bad) and advertising (tempting) should be avoided.  News junkies (like me) are focusing on local news…not only is it more uplifting, but it covers issues we can actually do something about.  If you are in the Ann Arbor/Ypsilanti area, check out the Ann Arbor Chronicle online.

Control your spending
I know, I know, dumb thing to say around the winter holiday season.  But I mean it.  Decide how much money you can spend for lattes, movies, and lunch and put it as cash into an envelope each week.  When it’s gone, it’s gone.  And while you’re at it, park your credit cards in a safe place–not your wallet.  They need to cool off for awhile.

Create community
This is the best time to get together with friends and family.  Potlucks can re-emerge as the ‘party of choice’.  An evening spent talking, playing cards, watching a movie, or playing board games after a shared meal can be fun, heartening, and re-energizing.  Never underestimate the power of community!

Happy holidays!

December 22nd, 2008 - Posted in Health: Emotional, Physical, Mental, Spiritual | | 0 Comments

Twitter Dee, Twitter Dum…

Okay, so I’m very up with the times technologically speaking and I now have a Twitter account. I’m still not entirely sure what this means, but as it’s been explained to me, I can let other Twitter account holders know what I’m doing at any single point in time.

Now you might ask, who cares?   And I’m beginning to wonder about that, too.   But the process of creating my Twitter account and corresponding with other Twitter users did make me think about the basic Twitter question, which is:

What are you doing right now?

And that, in turn, led me to think not about what I am doing but rather what I’m not doing that I should be or want to be or wish I could, etc.  Like running, exercising more, reading more, spending time with special friends…

So for you Twitter-users or non-Twitter-users (twits and non-twits?) I ask you:

What are you not doing right now?

Then…what changes do you need to do those things?

And what are you–what are we–waiting for?

October 28th, 2008 - Posted in Health: Emotional, Physical, Mental, Spiritual | | 0 Comments

From “What’s in Your Wallet” to “What’s on Your Bookshelf”

You’ve probably seen that credit card ad which asks “what’s in your wallet?” meaning, of course, that you should carry–and often use– their card to have the best life.

Now that spending discretionary income is something we need to think about twice before doing, I’m recommending that we begin to ask each other “what’s on your bookshelf” instead.

I love to read.  Really.  I always have at least one book in progress, usually more.  Having more than one book going allows me to read to match my mood.

I read the heavy stuff, like non-fiction books informing me as to why life on earth will be extinguished (pretty depressing), fiction (pure entertainment), but my all-time favorites are cartoon anthologies.  Dilbert is a must read for anyone who has ever been in (or thought about being in) corporate America.  Get Fuzzy is perfect for those of us who love cats and dogs and understand that pets rule our lives.  Frazz and Speed Bump are great fun and have the added bonus of being written by local cartoonists so sometimes local landmarks or in-jokes show up.  Rhymes With Orange by Hilary Price is hilarious and even has occasional therapy jokes (usually aimed at the therapist, which cracks me up).

So I’m working on building a new page for my website that lists great stuff to read.  Send me your favorites, tell me if I can attribute them to you or if you want to be an anonymous contributor, and then keep watching for the new addition to my site!

October 17th, 2008 - Posted in Health: Emotional, Physical, Mental, Spiritual | | 1 Comments

Falling, Falling, Falling…Wait, Are We Talking About the Temperature?

I don’t remember an October that’s been quite as stressful as this one has been the last three weeks.

What’s happening on Wall Street makes the usual adjustment to less light seem… well, not so bad.  At least those of us with seasonal affective disorder know why we feel like crawling into bed with the covers over our heads and never coming out.

I’ve been meeting with lots of people over the past couple of weeks who are really worried about their financial futures.  About the economy, I don’t know what to say.  But about the feelings that accompany the wild swings in the U.S. economy, I’ve got some ideas for you.

• First, get a grip on reality.  Gather data, talk to your family and friends, consult your financial advisor or local banker to assess where you really stand, and what you might do about it.
• Second, schedule some serious ‘you’ time.  Watch sports, read a book, work in your yard, whatever rejuvenates you make time for it.
• Third, pay attention to your physical health.  Take a walk or run, do yoga, eat well, get more sleep…all these things can help your body which in turn will help your mood.
• Finally, spend time with the people who matter to you.  After all is said and done, it is the connections we make with others that carry us through hard times.

Hang in there!  Give me a call if I can help.

October 16th, 2008 - Posted in Health: Emotional, Physical, Mental, Spiritual | | 0 Comments

Integrity

Integrity–what is it, and what do you do when yours has been questioned? This issue affects most of us at one time or another in our lives. Recently, it affected me.

Defined

According to the Random House dictionary, integrity is “adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty”. Given that the converse is “dishonesty”, no wonder it’s so worrisome when others decide for some reason that we are lacking in integrity.

Now You Have It, Now You Don’t

While it takes a long time to build integrity in the eyes of others, experience demonstrates that it takes just seconds to lose it. How odd, but how very human. It seems that too often, we’re ready to assume the worst about a person but have to be convinced of the best.

Sad, Distressing, and Frustrating

It is always sad, distressing, and even frightening to lose integrity in the eyes of others. Especially since once lost, it can be hard or even impossible to regain their trust. What makes it worse is there isn’t a good way to fight it. If you protest too much, the accusers hear it as confirmation that they were right. If you don’t protest enough, they hear it as acceptance of their judgment of you.

Who Accuses?

Many people who accuse others of lying or cheating–or who plant seeds of doubt about you to others–are doing so because they reason from themselves. Knowing that they would take advantage of others, or lie to get something they want, or cheat because they can, they assume that others do the same. One sees what one expects to see. Liars see liars; cheaters see cheaters. When your integrity is questioned, one of the first things to ask is–what would the accuser be doing in your situation?

Regaining Integrity

It is not always possible to regain integrity in a particular setting, although it is usually worth trying. If your accusers are working from their own hidden agendas, you may be better off to move in another direction.

Defend yourself best you can under the circumstances, be yourself, and work hard to move forward. But if you cannot, move on. Those who spend time questioning the morality of others often do so to deflect attention from their own deficiencies. At the end of the day, they are the losers.

April 4th, 2007 - Posted in Health: Emotional, Physical, Mental, Spiritual | | 0 Comments

Share Yourself

So it’s been a week since Pfizer threw the huge boulder called “Site Closing” into our communities, and the ripples are starting to reach all sides of the pond. One of the first “shores” to react was the community service agencies that rely on Pfizer money and people-power to help fellow citizens. In our county, the numbers are huge–millions of dollars out of the United Way agency alone plus the potential loss of over 2,400 employees who dedicate hours of service.

Money is the New Time

You’ve probably heard the expression “50 is the new 40″, or “60 is the new 50″. It means that with the help of technology and pure numbers–the Baby Boomers are aging–the things we used to be able to do at 40, we now expect to do at 50 (climbing mountains is one example). At 60, people consider new careers, a change from the past when 60 meant looking forward to retirement, travel, and endless rounds of golf.

In many cases, giving money has replaced giving time. Time, time, time–always seemingly in shorter supply than the tasks available to fill it. In a place like Ann Arbor, where there have been many people with pretty good jobs and discretionary income, it has been easier to find money than to find mentors, or motor meal delivery drivers, or PTA members.

We Need to Shift

It’s a bad time to be out of work. It’s a really bad time to be out of money. Winter days (at least in the Midwest) are often dark and cold. The combination of a lack of work, a lack of money, and bad weather lead plenty of people to therapy offices. That’s fine–after all, I’m a therapist–but I think it’s equally important to consider what else you can do if you’re caught in the latest business morass.

Here’s an idea: shift into a new gear. Time on your hands can be time spent helping others. Give a call to find places that need you. Take a break from your worries and anxiety, and spend time with other people. People matter; you matter. The unique person who is you will always be worth more than your checkbook.

Share your time.

Share your heart.

Share yourself.

January 31st, 2007 - Posted in Health: Emotional, Physical, Mental, Spiritual | | 0 Comments

Boundaries

I’ve been thinking about boundaries today since someone crossed mine and I had my usual knee-jerk furious reaction. “How dare they? Can’t they see they’ve gone way over the line here?”

Now that I’m a little cooled off, I’m wondering if the notion of good boundaries, good fences making good neighbors (Robert Frost), ‘yours’ and ‘mine’ versus ‘ours’ is just plain old-fashioned.

Maintaining good boundaries is something with which many of my clients struggle. “What’s my issue?” “What’s his/her issue?” “Where do you draw the line?” and often, “What do you do when someone crosses it?”

So what makes keeping good boundaries so doggone hard? I think I’ve come to one conclusion. Electronics have changed our boundaries significantly.

Consider the world we live in today:

• Cell phones–we can get that call, 24/7, 365 days per year
• Email–communication within seconds, minutes, or hours versus waiting at least a day for the mail carrier to show up
• AIM–in case you don’t have time to wait for an email, try an Instant Message
• Internet–global information at our fingertips–no need for the library with its restricted hours, travel to get there, etc.
• GPS units–no loss of time wandering around a new area in a bemused daze, now you can get to where you need to go right now

For many of my clients, these things represent the world they’ve always known. There are no such “boundaries” as city limits, state lines, and country borders. At the click of a key, we can talk to people anywhere in the world, at any time. No wonder it’s so hard to remember to respect someone else’s emotional boundaries when the physical ones are no longer even visible!

On the other hand–think about what we’ve gained by entering into this kind of global communication. Example: yesterday, here in Michigan, I received website help within minutes from a fellow therapist hundreds of miles away in Texas (thanks, Cynthia McKenna!).

Write and tell me about your global connections!

January 19th, 2007 - Posted in Health: Emotional, Physical, Mental, Spiritual | | 0 Comments

Are you SAD?

Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD, reportedly affects many people every year. And here we are, headed into the prime season, when the days are getting shorter and darker. What should you do if think you might be SAD?

First, learn a bit about SAD to understand if that might be what is happening to you. Characteristics of SAD include:

• regularly occurring depression that happens during fall and winter
• loss of energy
• craving for sugary and/or starchy foods
• disturbed sleep patterns

Light-therapy can help.A full spectrum light replicates the kind of daylight we experience in spring and summer, and can help alleviate symptoms.

Exercise can also help. Try to keep moving during the low light months. This will help with the food cravings, and might improve your mood at the same time.

Be kind to yourself! SAD isn’t a character flaw or weakness. It is a physical disorder that has emotional and physical symptoms. If you find you need additional support, ask for help. You don’t have to suffer silently!

October 11th, 2006 - Posted in Health: Emotional, Physical, Mental, Spiritual | | 0 Comments