2009 lessons learned:

1. Don’t plant so early. I still have mental images of us outside, frantically covering the little baby tomato plants with everything we could find (and yes, ‘everything’ included the ugliest bed sheets on the planet, much to the hilarity of our neighborhood).

2. Don’t plant so much. Convinced only a few seedlings would emerge I stuffed multiple seeds into multiple little pots packed into multiple trays…and yes, you guessed it, almost every darn plant germinated. Thus we were left with way too many plants (“are you sure tomatoes have to have so much space in between?”)

3. Leave more space. Again, my gardening enthusiasm got the best of me and I put too many plants too close together to the detriment of all. Don’t get me wrong…we had a sizable harvest, and for the first time, actually preserved some of our own produce. But many of the plants were too close to really stretch out and flourish.

So…how will I apply what my garden taught to my life in this New Year?

1. Don’t plant so early. I’m always too anxious in early January to set my course for the year…I tend to volunteer for things that later turn out to be just a little off, I buy into programs that later are disappointing, etc. In 2010, I’m striving to wait…move slowly…let things come to me rather than chase them down in a full-out tackle.

2. Don’t plant so much. Think of the terms ‘less’, ‘fewer’, ‘subtract’ and you’ll get the drift. I’m going to concentrate on doing fewer things well rather than taking on activities in multiple dimensions and cutting my productivity in the process.

3. Leave more space. I’ve been guilty of ‘square foot living’ (all you gardeners out there know what I talking about)…how much can I cram into how little space or time in hopes of large production? I’m moving away from busyness to see what emerges when I don’t over-commit. I’m learning to say ‘no’…and mean it.

Best wishes to all as we enter this new decade. And good luck with whatever plans you have for the New Year!

“Integrated Pest Management” refers to those horticulture practices that are aimed at reducing the effects that particular pests have on your garden (insects, viruses, fungi) without trying to eradicate them.  Eradicating (i.e. completely wiping out) those pests can have other unintended side effects…for example, destroying an insect may remove an important food source for a bird who is also a crucial pollinator for your plants.

I think this is a great metaphor for what we need to do with our lives.

I often talk with people who are trying to ‘eradicate’ all the negative people in their lives–those who do not support them, or those who actively oppose them, or those who just plain make life miserable.

It makes sense to me that we should try to reduce the number of these folks.  Who needs an entire chorus of ‘pests’ who continually criticize and condescend to us?  Sometimes they pop up from the past (old Uncle Charlie who told us we’d never amount to anything) or the present (colleagues who fight us at every turn in real or imaginary power struggles).

Mostly, we want positive influences in our daily lives.  Those friends, family members, or colleagues who see our strengths and help reinforce them.  The person ‘in our corner’ who backs us no matter what.

On the other hand, the pests serve an important purpose, and like integrated pest management for gardening, I’m not so sure that we would want to eradicate them altogether.

Those pests keep us on our toes.  The pests from the past serve as a constant reminder of the kinds of relationships we don’t want in our present lives.  When a new pest wanders into our present life, the ‘red flags’ (feelings, observations) from the past often help us avoid repeating a damaging kind of relationship.

Pests in our current lives can also encourage us to perform at higher levels…there is often nothing as motivating as someone who says ‘you can’t do that’ to which you think to yourself ‘oh yes I can, you just watch me!’

So on the eve of this year’s gardening season (at least in Michigan), let’s take a page from the horticulture book.

Let’s keep just enough pests in our lives to motivate us but not so many that they defeat us.    It’s all about balance…in nature, and in our personal lives.

Keep growing!

It occurred to me yesterday that maybe we should all have the same statement inscribed on our minds as we blip along through life repeating past mistakes, i.e. not ‘looking behind us’–or should I say past ‘patterns’ to make it sound more therapeutic?

The fact is, I often forget until I’m in that familiar ‘uh, oh’ spot that I do indeed have plenty of evidence from the past that whatever I’m doing is a bad, bad idea.   No matter how much I dress it up–and given my hours and hours of clinical training, I can dress it up with the best of ‘em.

And how distressing it is to recognize that our house pets are smarter than we are at staying away from past errors.  While they may be operating from instinct, we humans think too much.

Therefore, I’m passing along some tips help you stay out of those repetitive patterns that can cause so much misery:

1. In a new situation, if it feels familiar (that old ‘deja vu’ feeling) ask yourself tough questions, like ‘Have I been here before?’ ‘What happened then?’ ‘What’s going on in my present life that’s led me back to this former place?’
2. Once you recognize you’re back in that spot, leave sooner this time…whether it’s a relationship, a job, or some other situation.  Really, after the first misery, how much more do you need?
3. If your friends and family begin to roll their eyes as you’re describing your latest dilemma…or worse, walk away…there’s a clue here.  Ask them!  It’s often easier for the people around us to see where we’re going astray than to see it from inside, where we are.
4. If you’re on time number 3 or more for this same pattern, consider talking it through with a trusted friend, adviser, counselor, or spiritual leader.  Again, that external, disengaged viewpoint can be really helpful.

It is natural to question whether you ought to seek or be in psychotherapy right now.  Is the expenditure of time and money worth it?  This is a serious question and deserves a serious response.

Therapy helps with many things, but one in particular is learning what is important to you, and how to make decisions that follow and support your values.

Could there be a more critical time to be making decisions based on values?  I think not.

Consider–your company is downsizing, you have a chance to take a buyout and look for another job.  Is it time to re-visit the idea of college?  Graduate school?  Moving to another state?  Selling or buying property?

How are those decisions made if not from one’s values?  For example, going back to school…what is the impact on your partner or children?  Moving to another state might sound like a wonderful solution to you, but what will it do to your family?  Are they deeply involved locally?  If changing locale is great for you, is it equally great for them?

What is your decision-making process?  What kind of a communicator are you?  Are you an extrovert (likely to think through decisions aloud with others) or an introvert (likely to consider possibilities quietly before involving others)?

Plato advised “know thyself”.

So that is why therapy still matters in this most challenging of times.  Therapy helps you know yourself.  Therapy provides a place where you can consider all options with someone who supports you but is not vested in any particular outcome.  Therapy is a safe, confidential, neutral time where you can explore your options before you make decisions.

Investing in you is still a good investment…no matter what the stock market is doing.

Things are not going well for many people.  Worries about lost jobs, foreclosure, health, money…you name it, people are feeling it.

Here are several easy-to-implement ideas to reduce your own anxiety about the economy:

Turn off the television
I know this one is hard for many, but the repetitive news (bad) and advertising (tempting) should be avoided.  News junkies (like me) are focusing on local news…not only is it more uplifting, but it covers issues we can actually do something about.  If you are in the Ann Arbor/Ypsilanti area, check out the Ann Arbor Chronicle online.

Control your spending
I know, I know, dumb thing to say around the winter holiday season.  But I mean it.  Decide how much money you can spend for lattes, movies, and lunch and put it as cash into an envelope each week.  When it’s gone, it’s gone.  And while you’re at it, park your credit cards in a safe place–not your wallet.  They need to cool off for awhile.

Create community
This is the best time to get together with friends and family.  Potlucks can re-emerge as the ‘party of choice’.  An evening spent talking, playing cards, watching a movie, or playing board games after a shared meal can be fun, heartening, and re-energizing.  Never underestimate the power of community!

Happy holidays!

Now you might ask, who cares?   And I’m beginning to wonder about that, too.   But the process of creating my Twitter account and corresponding with other Twitter users did make me think about the basic Twitter question, which is:

What are you doing right now?

And that, in turn, led me to think not about what I am doing but rather what I’m not doing that I should be or want to be or wish I could, etc.  Like running, exercising more, reading more, spending time with special friends…

So for you Twitter-users or non-Twitter-users (twits and non-twits?) I ask you:

What are you not doing right now?

Then…what changes do you need to do those things?

And what are you–what are we–waiting for?

So what does getting laid off have to do with psychotherapy? In the best of all worlds, maybe not much. But as often as we think about what life would be like without having to go to work, getting laid off is a whole different experience.

If you live anywhere in southeastern Michigan, chances are that you or someone close to you will be affected by job layoffs sometime soon.

Here are some suggestions to help you get through it:

?Talk openly with your family about expectations and needs—yours, theirs, and the family as a group

?Get advice from someone you trust about your financial status–this could be your banker or financial planner

?Ask questions! HR, your supervisor, your colleagues, can all be sources of information.

?Think ahead. While it may sound great to be starting over with a severance package, how will you feel 6 months from now if you’re still looking for a job? How about a year? Plan for success, but also plan for things which may be out of your control.

?Finally, remember that there will be good times and bad times. If you find yourself unable to cope in your usual ways, ask for help from a professional counselor or therapist. It can be great to have a safe, confidential place to talk about your feelings without worrying about adding to your family’s stress.

Now that spending discretionary income is something we need to think about twice before doing, I’m recommending that we begin to ask each other “what’s on your bookshelf” instead.

I love to read.  Really.  I always have at least one book in progress, usually more.  Having more than one book going allows me to read to match my mood.

I read the heavy stuff, like non-fiction books informing me as to why life on earth will be extinguished (pretty depressing), fiction (pure entertainment), but my all-time favorites are cartoon anthologies.  Dilbert is a must read for anyone who has ever been in (or thought about being in) corporate America.  Get Fuzzy is perfect for those of us who love cats and dogs and understand that pets rule our lives.  Frazz and Speed Bump are great fun and have the added bonus of being written by local cartoonists so sometimes local landmarks or in-jokes show up.  Rhymes With Orange by Hilary Price is hilarious and even has occasional therapy jokes (usually aimed at the therapist, which cracks me up).

So I’m working on building a new page for my website that lists great stuff to read.  Send me your favorites, tell me if I can attribute them to you or if you want to be an anonymous contributor, and then keep watching for the new addition to my site!

What’s happening on Wall Street makes the usual adjustment to less light seem… well, not so bad.  At least those of us with seasonal affective disorder know why we feel like crawling into bed with the covers over our heads and never coming out.

I’ve been meeting with lots of people over the past couple of weeks who are really worried about their financial futures.  About the economy, I don’t know what to say.  But about the feelings that accompany the wild swings in the U.S. economy, I’ve got some ideas for you.

• First, get a grip on reality.  Gather data, talk to your family and friends, consult your financial advisor or local banker to assess where you really stand, and what you might do about it.
• Second, schedule some serious ‘you’ time.  Watch sports, read a book, work in your yard, whatever rejuvenates you make time for it.
• Third, pay attention to your physical health.  Take a walk or run, do yoga, eat well, get more sleep…all these things can help your body which in turn will help your mood.
• Finally, spend time with the people who matter to you.  After all is said and done, it is the connections we make with others that carry us through hard times.

Hang in there!  Give me a call if I can help.

But is this good for your children? There is evidence that increased television viewing leads to lower SAT/ACT scores and other measures of academic success. Check out Marie Winn’s website for details of her years of research on the subject.

I think the second part of the question about TV viewing is–is it good for you, even as an adult? In sessions with people who watch a lot or a little, we’ve pondered the emotional effects of television watching.

There are lots of positives–it’s relaxing, it’s informative, it’s entertaining. There are also some negatives–it’s isolating, it’s depressing, it’s overly simplistic. The real problems in life don’t get solved in 30-60 minute increments, although it would be nice if they did.

What do you think? Are you a dedicated TV-watcher? Are you a dedicated non-watcher? What’s been your experience, and if you’re a parent, the experience of your children?