“Objects in the mirror may be closer than they appear…”
Anyone who has driven a car manufactured in the past 15 years probably knows where I got the title for this entry. The famous (and at times infamous) statement on each and every passenger-side rear view mirror includes it…so much so that most of us don’t even really see it anymore.
It occurred to me yesterday that maybe we should all have the same statement inscribed on our minds as we blip along through life repeating past mistakes, i.e. not ‘looking behind us’–or should I say past ‘patterns’ to make it sound more therapeutic?
The fact is, I often forget until I’m in that familiar ‘uh, oh’ spot that I do indeed have plenty of evidence from the past that whatever I’m doing is a bad, bad idea. No matter how much I dress it up–and given my hours and hours of clinical training, I can dress it up with the best of ‘em.
And how distressing it is to recognize that our house pets are smarter than we are at staying away from past errors. While they may be operating from instinct, we humans think too much.
Therefore, I’m passing along some tips help you stay out of those repetitive patterns that can cause so much misery:
- In a new situation, if it feels familiar (that old ‘deja vu’ feeling) ask yourself tough questions, like ‘Have I been here before?’ ‘What happened then?’ ‘What’s going on in my present life that’s led me back to this former place?’
- Once you recognize you’re back in that spot, leave sooner this time…whether it’s a relationship, a job, or some other situation. Really, after the first misery, how much more do you need?
- If your friends and family begin to roll their eyes as you’re describing your latest dilemma…or worse, walk away…there’s a clue here. Ask them! It’s often easier for the people around us to see where we’re going astray than to see it from inside, where we are.
- If you’re on time number 3 or more for this same pattern, consider talking it through with a trusted friend, adviser, counselor, or spiritual leader. Again, that external, disengaged viewpoint can be really helpful.
February 17th, 2009 - Posted in Health: Emotional, Physical, Mental, Spiritual | |
2 Responses to ' “Objects in the mirror may be closer than they appear…” '
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on February 20th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Good advice; however, sometimes we can’t always recognize that “deja vu” feeling or the eye-rolling from loved ones for what they are. Leslie Poles Hartley’s quote “The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there” is often how people feel about the not-so-great decisions they’ve made in the past. This can make it harder to see the present situation for its repetitiousness. Even though reality may be more like Confucius’ “Study the past if you would divine the future”, we can’t always see that far back or that far ahead in our own lives. How can one break a cycle they’re having difficulty recognizing?
on February 22nd, 2009 at 11:59 am
You’re right, it can be really hard to see patterns from one’s present stance. One thing that might help is to develop a list of ‘red flags’ as clues that history may be repeating itself. Those can be really small indicators (unlike recognizing a pattern, which involves many variables). A couple that spring to my mind that fit relationships in general: pay attention to how your new partner ended former relationships…what events or triggers ended the prior relationship, and if your new partner has had more than one prior relationship, is there a pattern to the difficulties encountered? Then look at your own interactions with the person, and look for parallels (maybe there won’t be any!). Another that I favor is to observe how your partner treats service people…servers in restaurants, airline personnel, coffee shop baristas. In my experience, people who treat service people badly will often end up treating their partner badly after the newness of the relationship has worn off. Hope these tips help!